This is likely the most open and vulnerable I’ve been in this here newsletter. I hope it’s something that resonates with you in some way. I hope you enjoy it and if you do, please reach out to me to let me know. It helps.
I’ve taken the next five weeks off of booze. And weed. And adderall. If I can muster the collective willpower to conquer those three beasts. I’m on day five. The last one will likely be the toughest of the group, oddly enough. I’ve been having conversations around substance use, abuse, and addiction with my therapist for some weeks now and, to be honest, got to a place where I was just tired of myself. Tired of the same day and week, over and over again. Tired of waking up without a decent night’s sleep, despite sleeping through the night. Tired of being tired.
When you get to a point of abstinence, you realize how ingrained the thing you’re giving up is within your life and society writ large. Alcohol is everywhere. Weed is quickly becoming omnipresent as well. What does that say about us? What does that say about eh human experience? I’m not entirely sure although I think it has something to do with the fact that existing is, well, hard. It’s a mindfuck. There’s no reason, that we know of or that I subscribe to, to exist. There’s no answer at the end of the day when the light at the end of the tunnel is racing up quick and you’re on your deathbed whispering, “Why?”
Looking back, the substance I know the best is alcohol. We’ve been hanging out now for close to fifteen years. It’s hard to wrap my head around that. A part of me still feels like that 18 year old kid stepping foot on a college campus in northern Indiana, first shot and beer in hand. Yes, I was a late bloomer when it came to drinking. I’m worse off for it, I think. My mindset going into the relationship was one of fun. I busted my ass in high school to get to where I went for higher education and when I finally got there, my mentality was, “It’s time to party.” Party, I did. Four years of binging and blacking out later and I had a degree, though God knows why they gave me one. I kid, mostly #businessschool.
The decade and some change since graduating has had its fair share of ups and downs and the introduction of a couple more relationships substance-wise. It’s interesting, one’s relationship to various things, substance or otherwise. Most of the time, you don’t even think about it in any manner whatsoever. But when you cut that thing out of your life, you think about it all the time. I suppose, in that case, it’s not really out of your life then, is it?
What I’ve been reading -
“Where the Lion and the Witch Met the Hobbit” by Will Higginbotham in The New York Times
A nice quick read that’ll bring you back to childhood reading. If you’ve never been to Cambridge & Oxford, highly recommend. If you have the means.
Native Speaker by Chang-Rae Lee
Lee writes like a poet. It’s beautiful prose.
What I’ve been cooking -
(Murgh Makhani) Butter Chicken again
I’ve cooked this a few times now and it’s never not worth the effort, of which there is a lot put into it. I’ve stared to venture away from the directions slightly and improvise a bit. Adding more jalapeño or what have you. Doubling the garlic. It’s a time intensive and needy recipe but I highly recommend it.
This one is next up on the docket. Probably tomorrow night’s meal.
What I’ve been listening to -
John Mayall & The Bluesbreakers with Eric Clapton, specifically this song.
I know Eric Clapton is an asshole but damn can he play guitar.
That’s what I have for you today. I hope it was worth the five minutes and change you took to read it. If my more frequent appearance in your inbox bothersome? Would you like a more consistent cadence of these emails? I’m open to any and all feedback. Hit me up. You know where to find me.
Best,
Rob
P.S. Listen up.